


far from home (but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear)

by SJAandDWfan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, uh oh i ship it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJAandDWfan/pseuds/SJAandDWfan
Summary: It had taken Yaz a little while, but it was when the Doctor had taken them back home that she’d realised that it wasn’t what she’d wanted anymore. She’d wanted to stay with the Doctor, in the TARDIS, exploring the universe.Since then, Yaz has seen so many things. So many brilliant things.But none of those things even compare to the Doctor herself.





	far from home (but in the dark you know with me you've got nothing to fear)

**Author's Note:**

> me, writing doctor who fanfiction for the first time in almost three years? it's more likely than you think!
> 
> i tried not to ship them, i really did, but here we are.
> 
> title from "runaways" by all time low

Looking back, Yaz had been slowly but surely falling for the Doctor since the day they’d met.

Sure, Yaz’s immediate impression had been one of concern; the Doctor had been odd, and Yaz’s police training had made her wary, but the Doctor had turned out to be sane after all.

(Most of the time, anyway.)

And then there’d been the first adventure. And Grace.

Grace, whom she hadn’t known, but has since heard a lot about from Graham and Ryan. Yaz wishes she could’ve known Grace for longer. She would’ve adapted to life with the Doctor a lot quicker than any of them.

It had taken Yaz a little while, but it was when the Doctor had taken them back home that she’d realised that it wasn’t what she’d wanted anymore. She’d wanted to stay with the Doctor, in the TARDIS, exploring the universe.

Luckily, Ryan and Graham had decided the same thing, and after the Doctor had warned them about the dangers of travelling with her (something which Yaz had suspected even at the time was her speaking from years of losing people), she’d welcomed them aboard her ship. Since then, Yaz has seen so many things. So many _brilliant_ things.

But none of those things even compare to the Doctor herself.

 

\----------

 

“Where to next, team?” The Doctor asks, bounding around the console room. Yaz’s brain insists that it’s early morning – it’s hard to tell time on the ship, but they’d only woken up twenty minutes ago. Ryan is still in his pyjamas, his mouth stretched into a yawn every few seconds.

“I don’t know, Doc,” Graham says, rubbing his eyes. “Can we have breakfast first?”

“We can get breakfast wherever it is we’re going, much more exciting,” the Doctor promises. “I think it’s Yaz’s turn to pick.”

“Me?” Yaz is confused. They’ve never taken turns picking where to go before. Usually, they end up at their destination purely by accident.

“I didn’t know we were taking turns,” Ryan says. “Why’s Yaz get to go first?”

Yaz sticks her tongue out at him. “Probably because I’ve got more points than you.”

“What?” Graham looks bewildered. Yaz nods to the Doctor, who looks sheepish.

“Okay, so I might be awarding points and keeping score,” she admits. “Yaz is in the lead at the moment, hence why she gets to pick first.”

“Told ya,” Yaz grins at Ryan smugly.

“Well, who’s in last place, then?” Graham persists.

“Ryan,” the Doctor says apologetically. Ryan, looking a lot more awake now, throws his hands up in the air.

“Why me?”

“You lost a hundred points for the gun thing back on Desolation,” the Doctor explains, and Ryan sighs.

“Got a lotta catching up to do, ain’t I?”

“’Fraid so,” Yaz says brightly, clapping him on the shoulder and rubbing her hands together as she tries to pick a destination.

Even though it’s only kind of a competition, there’s a part of Yaz that’s completely thrilled to be winning.

“So, what’ll it be, Yasmin Khan?” The Doctor asks. “Space, or time?”

Yaz grins at her, seeing her delight reflected in the Doctor’s face, and she really is beautiful. Yaz has always thought so – had noticed her beauty even back on the train – but there’s something about the way her entire being lights up at the prospect of an adventure that makes her even more stunning.

“Time,” Yaz decides. “I love history.”

“Me too,” the Doctor beams, and Yaz can’t help but beam back at her.

“Can we see Camelot?” She asks. “Wait, did Camelot actually exist?”

“Of course it did,” the Doctor says. “All myths have _some_ truth to them, Yaz, and this one more than others.”

“Brilliant,” Yaz grins. She turns to Ryan and Graham. “I wanted to be a knight when I grew up.”

“Snap,” Ryan says.

“Ooh, I’ve been knighted!” The Doctor raises her hand. “By Queen Victoria, but still…”

“No way,” Yaz’s jaw drops.

“Yeah,” the Doctor grins. “Then she banished me. That was a mixed day.”

Yaz exchanges a look with Ryan, who shakes his head disbelievingly.

“Anyway, Camelot!” The Doctor continues, sweeping around the console to press a few buttons. “Yasmin Khan, your wish is my command!”

She pulls the lever down with a flourish, and then the TARDIS is in flight.

Yaz grins at her, feeling a fluttering in her stomach that she convinces herself is due to the rough flight, and not at all due to the look on the Doctor’s face as they set off for their next adventure.

 

\----------

 

Yaz loses track of how long they’ve been travelling with the Doctor. She thinks it’s been about a month, but she can never be sure. It doesn’t feel like long, and yet she’s seen so much. She feels so close with her new friends already.

She hangs out with Ryan quite a lot. They’re about the same age, and vaguely knew each other in primary school, and so of course they naturally gravitate together. They sit in Ryan’s room – not only is the TARDIS console room huge, but that’s only one space of several onboard the ship. To Yaz’s delight, each of them have their own spacious bedrooms – and talk, about home and about all the things they’ve seen.

Ryan likes the unicorn rescue sanctuary located on a distant moon that they’d visited a while ago. He won’t stop going on about it, in fact, and Yaz is convinced that he’s going to ask the Doctor if they can get a pet unicorn at some point. She wonders what the Doctor would say.

When they’d first started travelling together, Yaz had wondered if she’d fancied Ryan. He’s attractive, and kind, and earnest in a way most people their age aren’t. Yaz’s mum had even asked if they were a thing (although, she’d also asked the same about Yaz’s relationship with the Doctor).

But the more time Yaz spends with him, the more she realises that she just wants them to be mates. She doesn’t know how Ryan feels about her, but he hasn’t looked like he’s going to make a move, for which she’s extremely grateful.

Because as the weeks pass, Yaz starts to figure out who it is she really fancies.

It hits her one day, out of the blue. She watches as the Doctor saves an entire planet (Yaz helps quite a bit with that, actually), and she’s never seen her look more ecstatic. Next thing she knows, the Doctor’s reaching out for Yaz and pulling her into a celebratory hug.

It takes Yaz’s breath away, this hug, and she doesn’t think that’s ever happened before. The Doctor’s hugged her on previous occasions – she’s very tactile, Yaz has learnt – but never like this. Never holding on for all she’s worth as her body sags in relief against Yaz’s own.

Yaz wraps her arms around the Doctor’s back as she lets her eyes slip closed, breathing her in. Breathing it all in; the elation they’re all feeling, and the adrenaline from what had been the latest in a series of near-death experiences.

Yaz realises in that moment that she wouldn’t change it for the world. Not when they’re doing so much good out here in the farthest corners of the universe. Not when the Doctor’s hair is tickling her neck as they hug. Not when the fluttering returns and Yaz pinpoints exactly what it means.

Not when she now knows that she has feelings for the Doctor.

 

\----------

 

She thinks Graham figures it out first.

He’s a smart bloke, after all, and Yaz reckons her staring at the Doctor isn’t exactly subtle. She’s probably not doing a good job hiding how she feels, only Graham’s the best at picking up on emotional stuff. Ryan, bless him, can be a bit clueless sometimes, and the Doctor isn’t exactly the best at deciphering social cues and the like. It’s actually pretty endearing, although if Yaz is being honest, she finds pretty much everything the Doctor does endearing.

Graham pulls Yaz to the side of the console room one night, their clothes still smoking slightly after their most recent adventure. Yaz sees the Doctor frown, and she gives her a reassuring smile. She likes that the Doctor always seems to be looking out for her. She looks out for all of them, but it’s like she’s always keeping an eye on Yaz in particular. Protective, is probably the best way Yaz can describe it – but it’s not because the Doctor doesn’t think she can handle herself. No, the Doctor had been very clear in her belief of them all.

The Doctor nods at them and heads off down one of the corridors. Yaz watches her go with a small smile, turning to find Graham regarding her with raised eyebrows.

“What?” Yaz asks, immediately defensive.

“You fancy her, don’t you?”

Graham really doesn’t pull any punches, Yaz thinks. Her first instinct is to deny it; to protect her feelings, because Graham is probably the one she knows the least about out of the group. And even though she likes Graham, she still doesn’t know that she wants to get into this with him.

He takes her silence as an answer, though, reading her face with a kind of shrewd expression. His expression softens as Yaz shifts uncomfortably.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he promises. “I don’t think she knows, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t—” Yaz starts, cutting herself off when she realises that she didn’t even know how that sentence was going to end. She tries again. “Listen, it’s not a big deal.”

Graham smiles at her, in that impossibly _granddad_ way that Yaz knows Ryan pretends to hate. Yaz crosses her arms protectively over her chest. She’s not sure she likes the ease with which Graham is seeing through her.

“If you have feelings for the Doctor, maybe you should tell her,” he suggests with a casual shrug, as if the thought of doing that doesn’t make Yaz want to panic.

“I’ll just mess everything up if I do that,” Yaz says. “Our whole dynamic, all of us.”

“You’re assuming that she doesn’t fancy you back,” Graham points out, and Yaz scoffs.

“That’s because she doesn’t.”

“Wait now, how are you so sure about that, eh?” Graham challenges.

“Because,” Yaz sighs. “She’s, like, she’s this amazing person who’s saved the universe more times than she can probably count, and she’s so brilliant and smart, and I’m… well, I’m _me_.”

Yaz knows she makes a difference being a Police Officer, she really does, but it’s really hard to truly believe it sometimes when she feels like she’s doing nothing. Travelling with the Doctor makes her feel like she’s finally doing some real good, and if she can live up to what the Doctor does even a little bit then she’ll be truly happy.

But right now, Yaz still feels like she’s finding her feet in this new world, like she’s learning but it’s not fast enough. One day, the Doctor might realise that, and decide that she doesn’t want Yaz to travel with her after all. And if Yaz tells her how she feels, she might come to that realisation sooner.

Yaz knows these thoughts aren’t exactly rational, but so much has changed for her in the past couple of months that she’s not sure she could handle any more of it.

Graham puts a hesitant hand on her shoulder. “Hey, you’re all of those things, too. You’ve saved the universe, Yaz.”

“How?”

“By being a good Officer, for one. Not many of those about these days,” Graham says. “By just being you. The Doc knows that. She believes in you – we all do.”

“Thanks, Graham,” Yaz murmurs. She means it, too.

Graham smiles at her, squeezing her shoulder once before letting go and making his way out of the console room. Yaz is left with thoughts swirling around in her head, and the quiet hum of the TARDIS. It’s a sound that’s become almost a comfort to her; it sounds like coming home.

Yaz doesn’t quite know when she’d started thinking of the ship as her home, but it is. It feels way more like home than her family’s flat ever had. That thought simultaneously comforts and terrifies her.

She doesn’t want it to change, so she vows to keep her feelings hidden, at least for now.

 

\----------

 

The adventures are fun – exhilarating in fact – but some of Yaz’s favourite moments are the late-night (or so she guesses, really it could be any time) conversations on the TARDIS. Sometimes, if they’re feeling particularly wired after their latest adrenaline-fueled hijinks, they’ll all curl up on armchairs in the library and just talk for hours.

Yaz gets to know them all a lot better during these conversations. She learns about their pasts, and their hopes for their futures, and all the seemingly unimportant things that she doesn’t get to learn when they think they might be about to die.

Because times of crisis are the best time to get to know who a person is at the very core of their being, sure, but there’s something to be said for low-pressure conversations and laughter.

Graham is always the first to retire to bed, claiming he needs his beauty sleep and bidding the other three goodnight. Ryan often follows about an hour later, when he can’t stop himself from yawning every time he attempts to speak. The Doctor always tells him to get a good night’s sleep, smiling after him as he gives her a thumbs-up before disappearing off to his room.

That leaves Yaz alone with the Doctor. She feels a little bit guilty for being happy that it’s just the two of them at the end of the night, but that guilt is overshadowed by the way that being with the Doctor, and talking to her, makes her feel.

Like today.

Graham and Ryan have already retired to bed, as per usual, and Yaz is still there, tucked into the corner of one of the ornate armchairs with her arms wrapped around a cushion. The Doctor grins at her, legs crossed beneath her on the chair opposite Yaz in their little huddle.

“So,” she starts. “What do you want to hear about tonight?”

“Tell me about the many-worlds interpretation,” Yaz requests. “We did Schrodinger’s Cat in school, but you mentioned something about the many-worlds theory the other day, and it seemed like they went against each other.”

The Doctor’s eyes light up, and she leans forward in her chair excitedly. “Excellent choice, Yaz. Okay, so the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics denies the actuality of wavefunction collapse, and instead says that every single one of the possible alternate histories and futures are real, each existing in a separate universe.”

“Like whether or not the cat in the box is alive actually splitting the universe in two?” Yaz asks, referring to what she’d learned about Schrodinger’s Cat back in school.

“The popular theory _before_ the many-worlds interpretation was something called the Copenhagen interpretation,” the Doctor says, starting to gesture as she speaks. Yaz kind of loves watching her hands as she explains something. “That theory proposed that a quantum system would remain in superposition until it was observed by the external world, and only then would it collapse into one state or another. Schrodinger thought that was ridiculous and came up with the whole cat scenario. He said that the cat couldn’t possibly be dead and alive at the same time until the state had actually been observed. Funny thing is, he came up with the whole scenario to point out how _stupid_ he thought it was, but people don’t tend to remember that bit.”

“Really?” Yaz asks. “We never got told that.”

“See? You don’t get to control who tells your story, once you’re not around to tell it anymore.” The Doctor leans back in her chair.

“Wow, that’s…” Yaz trails off. That’s a big thought to try and fit into her head.

“Anyway, the point of the many-worlds interpretation was to solve all the correlation paradoxes of quantum theory, because all these brainy scientists could never agree on anything,” the Doctor explains. “It says that instead of reality being a single unfolding history, like a line, it’s more like a tree – branching off into infinite possibilities in which _every single_ possible quantum outcome is realised.”

Yaz is barely keeping up with what the Doctor is saying. Physics hadn’t been her favourite subject at school, after all, but she loves it when the Doctor explains it all to her, even if she is going a bit too fast and a bit too technical for Yaz to fully understand.

The way she’d once explained antimatter to her, though, had been beautiful. Yaz has since made it her mission to see that very expression of wonder on the Doctor’s face as many times as possible, hence the quantum mechanics question.

“So, are you saying there’s parallel universes?” Yaz asks.

The Doctor gets a sort of faraway look in her eyes. “Yes.”

“Wow,” Yaz murmurs, and the Doctor smiles at her.

“Exciting, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful, in a way,” Yaz says.

“Ten points to Yasmin Khan,” the Doctor says. “For truly seeing the wonders of the universe. And for asking me about it.”

“Anytime,” Yaz says, and she just _knows_ she’s starting to blush. “I like hearing you explain the universe. Or rather, _universes_.”

“You’re not just asking me to keep your points lead, then?” The Doctor laughs.

“No. Promise,” Yaz shakes her head with a grin. “Although I do like winning.”

“Now can _you_ explain something to me?” The Doctor asks, head tilted to one side.

“Sure,” Yaz says. “What do you want to know?”

“Why do women from your time walk around with talons on their hands?”

It takes a second for what the Doctor is asking to make sense, but suddenly it clicks in Yaz’s mind.

“Do you mean fake nails?” She asks, and the Doctor nods earnestly.

“They just seem so impractical.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Yaz shrugs. “They’ve never really been my cup of tea.”

“It’s just… you need your fingers to do things, right?” The Doctor asks, wiggling her own in front of her face, and Yaz bites the inside of her cheek. “How can you, I don’t know, rewire a panel with those nails on?”

“Beats me,” Yaz says. “Sorry I can’t be of more help.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the Doctor says. “There’s lots of things you can explain to me.”

Yaz smiles softly. “Okay then. Where do you want to start?”

 

\----------

 

It’s getting harder and harder not to tell the Doctor how she feels.

Because what Yaz is experiencing is not easy to ignore, especially as the feelings continue to grow stronger. Before, she could manage it – the nervous rush of energy whenever the Doctor would get close, the butterflies in her stomach as they’d hug – but now… Now, Yaz can’t hold this back anymore.

She’s not used to bottling her feelings like this. Normally, when she likes someone, she tells them. Yaz prides herself on speaking her mind, but this situation is delicate. Because if this all goes wrong, Yaz could lose out on what is hands-down the best experience of her life.

She knows, deep down, that the Doctor wouldn’t kick her out of the TARDIS simply for having feelings for her. Even if those feelings potentially put them both in danger. But it’s still difficult to silence her anxieties; her fears of never being enough in life.

A life that might soon be over.

As Yaz stares down at the bomb that she’s sure is about to end it all, she wishes she would’ve told the Doctor how she feels about her.

She and the Doctor had been separated from the boys in their latest quest, which had gone to hell not long after. Yaz has no idea where Graham and Ryan are, or if they’re even okay. All she knows is that she and the Doctor are probably about to die.

(Well, the Doctor won’t die; she’ll just regenerate, but she’d once said that it was like dying.)

The clock on the face of the bomb ticks down. Twenty seconds until detonation. No sonic, no boys, no help. The Doctor looks at Yaz helplessly, and Yaz knows that she hasn’t managed to think of a way out of this. This is perhaps the only time in her life that she’s wished for a Pting. Yaz feels the Doctor slip her hand into her own, squeezing tightly.

Fifteen seconds.

“I’m so sorry,” the Doctor chokes out, tears forming in her eyes.

Yaz swallows roughly. “It’s okay, Doctor. It's not your fault.”

Ten seconds.

 _Fuck it_ , Yaz thinks. If she’s going to die, she might as well throw caution to the wind.

She turns to fully face the Doctor, grabbing the lapel of her coat in her free hand in one swift movement as she pulls her into a desperate kiss.

The Doctor’s surprised, Yaz can tell that much by the way she stiffens momentarily, but then she’s pressing closer. Her hand cups Yaz’s cheek, and she can feel the slight tremble in the Doctor’s fingers against her skin.

Yaz keeps her eyes shut tight, kissing the Doctor with everything she has as she waits for her time to be up. She doesn’t want to look at the bomb, doesn’t want to see the thing that will bring about her destruction; she wants to go out like this, feeling the Doctor’s impossibly soft lips pressing against her own.

It’s hard to tell how long they stay like that. Surely their time must be up by now, Yaz wonders confusedly. It takes someone nearby clearing their throat for Yaz to come back to reality.

She breaks the kiss with a gasp, fingers still gripping the Doctor’s coat as she pulls back to look at her with wide eyes. They’re not dead. Yaz turns her head to see Ryan and Graham, bruised but mostly unharmed, regarding them with interest. The bomb is nowhere to be seen.

“What—what happened?” Yaz asks shakily. She lets go of the Doctor, face burning as she backs up.

Graham holds up a small teleport device. “Nicked this off of a bloke back there, used it get here to you—”

“—Yeeted the bomb through a portal into space somewhere,” Ryan finishes proudly.

“What’s ‘yeeted’?” The Doctor asks, voice cracking slightly. “Also, one hundred points to everybody for not dying. Very well done.”

As Ryan begins to explain the finer points of linguistical development, Yaz catches Graham’s eyes. She knows she looks panicked, and Graham gives her a reassuring smile, reaching out to pat her on the shoulder.

“It’s okay, Yaz,” he tells her. “You’re okay.”

 

\----------

 

The four of them sit in the library again that night.

None of them have mentioned the kiss so far, for which Yaz is eternally grateful, but she can’t help but replay the moment over and over again in her mind. She’d completely blown it, there was no doubt about that.

And yes, she’s pretty sure that the Doctor had kissed her back, but it had probably been a reflex, borne out of surprise and adrenaline and high emotions.

Like always, Graham and Ryan wander off to bed, and it’s like Yaz is frozen in her seat as she watches them go. She wants to get up and leave, but she can’t make her body follow her brain’s commands. Her heart stubbornly insists that she stay put, and nothing that Yaz’s brain is saying is having any effect on the rest of her.

The Doctor is quieter than usual, watching Yaz carefully like she’s going to vanish any moment. Yaz doesn’t know what to do with that look, so she focuses on a loose thread in her jeans, picking at it until it starts to unravel.

(And isn’t that just a giant metaphor for how she feels right now.)

“Yaz?” The Doctor asks uncertainly.

Yaz glances up. “Hmm?”

“Can you teach me about courtship in 2018?”

Yaz blanches. For a second, she wonders if the Doctor is playing some joke on her, but then she sees the earnest look on her face. There’s not a trace of laughter, or sarcasm. No, this is a genuine question.

“Why?” Yaz asks, barely more than a whisper.

“I want to understand,” the Doctor says carefully. “I’m confused and I want to make sure I’m doing this right.”

“Doing what right?” Yaz is lost, even as a tiny ( _hopeful_ ) voice starts to speak up in her head.

“Courting you,” the Doctor mumbles, almost like she’s embarrassed to be stating it so plainly, where so much before now has gone unspoken. “Your mum once asked if we were seeing each other, and I genuinely didn’t know, so I think I need all the help I can get with this.”

Yaz blinks at her, not entirely sure how to believe what she’s hearing. “We’re not seeing each other, not in the way it works in 2018,” she says.

“Right,” the Doctor says, and her face falls slightly. “We’re friends, that’s what you said.”

“But I want to be more than that,” Yaz admits, and it should be easy to say after the developments of the past minute or so, but the words stick in her throat. Still, she keeps going. “I like you, as more than a friend.”

“You do?”

Yaz nods. “I was scared to tell you, because I’m, well, me and you’re this… this _incredible_ person, best person I’ve ever met, and I love every second I get with you and I didn’t want to jeopardise that if you didn’t feel the same and—”

“But I do,” the Doctor interrupts, uncrossing her legs and getting up from her chair. She crosses the space to crouch in front of where Yaz is now staring at her own hands. “Yaz, you’re brilliant. You’re absolutely brilliant, and I wouldn’t change you for anybody else in the universe. In the _universes_.”

Yaz manages a tiny laugh, looking up from her hands to see the Doctor gazing at her earnestly. Yaz doesn’t know what to say to that, even as her body starts to relax slightly.

The Doctor shrugs sheepishly. “I really don’t know how to do this. I think I _am_ socially awkward, after all.”

“Oh, you definitely are,” Yaz says, teasing slightly. She steels herself. “So I guess I’ll ask you directly. Do you want to give this a shot? Us, doing relationship stuff?”

The Doctor nods. “You might have to cover everything that entails, but yes. I want that.”

Yaz exhales shakily, a mixture of relief and a fresh wave of nerves. “Well, for starters, it involves more kissing.”

“Brilliant,” the Doctor breathes. “Apparently, it’s much better when you don’t think you’re about to die.”

“Let’s find out,” Yaz murmurs, leaning in at the same time as the Doctor does.

This kiss is less intense – gentler than the first one – and Yaz sighs into it, feeling a little bit like she’s melting. Part of her is still convinced this is a dream (or that the bomb had gone off after all and she’s actually dead), and this is the latest in a long series of changes to her life.

But Yaz is starting to think that maybe this is one more change that she can handle just fine.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if you feel like giving me feedback, i always love getting comments :)
> 
> my tumblr is ilovemyships and my twitter is @shegaylol
> 
> also i don't know a lot about quantum mechanics so apologies for any scientific mistakes! okaybye


End file.
